I remember the lengths she went to, making sure that we had enough to get by. She would clean houses for money. It was always barely enough. I saw her make every penny count and she never hid the details from me. I remember some of the things she had to do to make ends meet. To this day, I still don’t know if my younger sisters appreciate just how far below the poverty line we were for a while. I don’t think my mother or I ever mentioned that some of the food on the table had been reclaimed from the dumpster behind the grocery store. Or that the bread on the table was several days old and we had gotten it from a homeless outreach.

I learned that every penny mattered and it should never be wasted. I never had an allowance but I was paid to mow the lawn. And I learned to ask the neighbors if they needed their lawns mowed while I was out there. I made extra money that way. One thing I always appreciated was that my mother always respected the money I earned. She never asked me to help contribute it to the house (she could have but she never did). The money I earned was for me.

At the same time, I was never “given” anything. When I finally was old enough to get a license and wanted a car, I had to pay for that with the money I had saved up. I also learned how much insurance cost because I had to pay that too. And my mom insisted that I pay the full six months in advance to make sure I was covered. When I didn’t have money for gas, I took the bus to school and walked to my work. There weren’t any handouts. I love my mom for that. I learned the value of a dollar.

I learned that credit was often more of a burden than it was worth and that paying extra for something was almost always a mistake. One thing I remember her talking about, not to me but to a friend, was that if she couldn’t afford to buy something with cash then she couldn’t afford to pay more for it by buying it with credit. It’s a lesson that she demonstrated daily.

My sisters, they had it a little easier but not by much. They had to work and pay their own way just as I did. The middle child probably got herself into the most trouble with debt but she is working her way out. She currently owes me a few hundred dollars but I told her to focus on the loans with interest first.

NOW… the other side of the story. My aunt had a similar situation. But she did everything she could to make up the fact that their dad left by buying her kids whatever they wanted. It wasn’t a huge shock to anyone that two out of three of them were pregnant before leaving high school. And my aunt provides too much help to this day.

In fact, as an example of the worst part of that. My cousin still lives with her mom. She has THREE children of her own and a husband that has a job. They live there because it is cheaper than anywhere else. You see, my aunt doesn’t make them pay rent. She’s asked for rent but they insist they have no money to pay for it. They stole my aunt’s credit-card and maxed it out to give their kids everything they wanted for Christmas. And then had the nerve to be upset that my aunt wasn’t thrilled to be paying it off. She actually told her mom that she should be HAPPY to be in a position to provide Christmas gifts for her grandchildren.

My aunt ended up paying off that entire balance and never got a penny from her child or son in law. They have trashed the house and continue to buy lots of stuff (like a trampoline) with whatever money they might have. There’s no need to save because my aunt will bail them out of any emergency. They still use her card from time to time (recently Charging a whole Disney vacation to it) and let her pay it off for them. What a treat they are!

The other children aren’t perfect either (cosigning on loans and letting the car be repossessed, for example) but they’re angels compared to the one still living at home.

From time to time, we all just want to scream at my aunt to toss them out on the street. Maybe they’ll have a tough time making ends meet but that’s not her problem. They are in their late 20s… they need to learn to survive. Will it be easy? Probably not… but it will probably be much easier than it was for my mom and she managed. My aunt will never do it though.

In a way, I am happy that my childhood was as hard as it was. I was left with a sense of pride that you earn only by knowing that you can make it on your own. I have a strong work ethic (despite being admittedly lazy) and realize that if I don’t work, then I won’t eat. I learned that tough times are best dealt with by real family bonds and not healed by spending money. And I learned the value of a dollar. Would I have had more “stuff” if I grew up in my aunt’s home? Certainly… but I have a richer life now because I went without.

As parents, they “couldn’t” put him out, couldn’t keep him in line, couldn’t stand up to him, and couldn’t say no. That allowed him to be one of the most horrible children I know.

As the sole provider at home, I wouldn’t let him return home after his last miserable venture failed, wouldn’t let him in the house, wouldn’t let him use the car or even have a house key for six months. And for the first time in his entire life, he’s finally faced with someone of authority who will not put up with his nonsense. Heart wrenching as that was for me, his *younger sister,* he seems to have gotten the message enough to hold down a job, and has begun contributing towards the household income. Who knows how long it’ll last? Since they’ve enabled him for over ten years, I estimate it will take at least that long before he’s reformed.

The thing that really gets my goat is that I may never be able to stop holding his feet to the fire because I certainly do not intend to support his lazy behind ever again.

What’s worse is I suspect that had our mom not become terribly mentally and physically ill, to the point that she can’t be left alone or she might burn the house down, he still might have resisted. *shaking head* I hope I’ll be able to remain fair and firm with all my children, but I’m honestly so tired of this child, I don’t know if I could really have my own family.

The long-term effects of saying “yes” inappropriately are far more damaging than saying “no, earn it” judiciously.

Dedicated had it correct, your parents have gone from parents to enablers. I hear what you are saying. My mother has in the past, and probably still does now, repeatedly given money, lots of money to my brother and very little to me. I caught on early that any money that was “given” to me also came with a lot of baggage and strings attached that I sure as heck did not want or need.I stopped asking/expecting or wanting any funds of any kind from my mother, it was too toxic. Ginger’s experience with her brother mimics my own almost to a T, the learning disability, the extra attention. My brother is in his early 40’s and still manipulates money out of my mother. She still allows him to do this and a few years ago my mother and I had a huge falling out over money. My limited funds that she wanted for “her bills”, yet I knew she was going to just turn around and give it to my brother. Just like your siblings, because my brother had been given money easily from an early age and he still feels he’s entitled to it.

It happened to me as well… my parents tried to be fair to both me and my younger brother; but I think it was really difficult for them at times. My brother has a learning disability which essentially means that he’s really slow at learning things in general. This necessitated a lot of extra care in the early stages from my parents.

I was the opposite of my brother; deemed “bright” and in all the advanced enrichment classes and older than my years I was able to pick things up quickly and didn’t need assistance.

However I still felt left out quite often–not because I needed the help but because I didn’t get the attention or fancy classes/devices, etc. that my brother got. He got a lot of things that I never got, and still does. Even now that my brother is older and works and parties like the rest of the world my dad is talking about buying him a vehicle for him to get to work.

I asked him why he never bought me one when I could have used one, and he didn’t answer me. I guess I’ll see how this pans out.

I think my parents did ok overall, and luckily my brother did not end up with an entitlement attitude. It sucks that he always got more than me growing up, but I guess he needed more than me, too.

@ Kosmo – Yikes! I have no desire to ever experience gum surgery of any kind! It’s bad enough I’ll have to have my wisdom teeth out, I can’t imagine! I’ve always been pretty good about taking care of my teeth, even at a young ago so I hope that continues to serve me well. I definitely agree that you dental woes top mine, though! Sorry you had to experience that!

@ FB – You’re preaching to the choir! LOL. I agree with you all the way. And no need to apologize for your comment, I totally understand. I figured you’d find this post interesting since you just had that experience with your brother. Sibling entitlement, such a fun thing to deal with, no? Hehehe.

@ Meg – So she’s the female version of Van Wilder? Hmm… Hopefully her parents come to the realization that she’s draining their retirement accounts and will never pay that back in terms of taking care of them. Hope they figure it out sooner rather than later!

@ psychsarah – I really like that quote: “learning experiences are those you wish you weren’t having at the time.” It’s so true. I resented my entire family as I struggled to get out of debt and I was probably a bit more distant then I would have been under different circumstances. But, looking back, the experience and understanding I’ve gained is definitely worth my while. Thanks for sharing that!

@ mimi – That’s good that your parents were able to find the balance. They may not have paid for anything, but they didn’t do so equally across the board, which is good. And emotional support is a great thing to have growing up and struggling on your own. But, I bet you’re a stronger person for having things go the way they did.

@ Dedicated – I’m not sure about your first point, but I suspect it’s a mixture of both. I do think parents, for the most part, have a hard time saying no when it comes to helping their kids, so that could be a factor as well. In regards to your sister, I hope your parents learn to stand up and say no to her because if your dad isn’t working, that’s seriously going to hurt them. I bet you anything the company she works for has some sort of payment program where she can buy the clothes and then repay them directly from her paycheck over a certain period of time. Good luck to your parents, though.

@ BM – I’m not upset with my parents, just making an observation. Personally, I’m fine with it. I’m independent and don’t want for anything, so I can’t be angry. I worry that they’re wasting their money, but beyond that, it’s there choice. It does make for interesting discussion because there are lots of people who’ve experienced this to some degree or know someone who’s experienced it. I wouldn’t have thought so.

@ Dawn – It’s funny because we were talking about a similar situation in my sociology class recently. The point was to see how many people do certain things like their parents, and the majority of the class did what their parents did. But, those who’d been married or in a serious relationship were less likely to do the same things as their parents. So, my question to you then is just for fun and curiosity. Have you always been different then your mom in money handling, or did it change once you got married?

@ Slinky – I don’t envy your fiance! But, I understand the two younger ones starting drama. My siblings and the king and queen of drama. If it’s perfectly peaceful they’re miserable and have to start something! Good luck to you, marrying into that and all!

Another pattern that that I have seen in my wife’s family is that, the only boy in the family is spoiled and pampered way more than the other 3 girls, especially when the boy happens to be the youngest.

I am the middle child. Or if you will, the baby from the first marriage. My brother and I got nothing and still do not. Although, my childhood was a different generation and I don’t think it was odd at all that we never went to doctors or dentists, except where the school mandated it. In fact, lunch was a luxury that seemed to never be around.

I do however have a little sister in her mid-twenties at the moment, who still is recieving a constant flow of money and things. Which is okay, but she verbally states ‘they owe it to her’ and will tell them to buy things. For instance, she recently got a promotion to an area that requires clothing, she can not afford in retail. I’m talking $250 tops – think Nordstrom – you sell what you where. Even though our father is out of work, she pushed and they caved for the clothing.

They, my parents, would be best served to let her on her own – it is time. She needs this too.