When Parental Generosity Goes Too Far
I don’t think I’ve really shared too much information about my family, other than to say that I wish they had provided me with a little more financial background. So, in order to understand the story I’m about to tell, I have to give you a little bit of background information. Exposition city, here I come!
My parents are great people, very generous in a lot of ways and really hate to see their kids struggling. They both come from a background where they didn’t have a lot except hand-me-downs and beans and cornbread (they’re from the South, in case the beans and cornbread didn’t give it away). So, they decided pretty early on that their kids would have the nice things they never had.
Growing up I always had my own room, my own T.V. and VCR (pre-DVD players), my own clothes, and my mom loved to cook, so I definitely wasn’t eating the same meals every night. My brother and sister had the same. I don’t think my sister ever wore a hand-me-down she didn’t steal out of my closet herself. As my brother was the only boy, he definitely wasn’t wearing our clothes.
My parents were always a little tougher on me growing up, so there were some things that I had to earn if I wanted them. I guess in hindsight those were financial lessons, though it was never actually communicated as such. It was always explained that if I wanted to X, I had to do Y. Such was the way with everything from band to prom. Initially it started off with chores around the house and was followed up with getting a job once I was old enough.
It was never that way with my brother and sister, though. My parents bought my sister her flute and my brother his saxophone. They were given money to attend trips and they bought my sister’s prom dress. Earlier in my life I resented being made to work for what I had, and I think that may even have led to the fall-out that we had. I will say this, though. I was given my first car – which I didn’t appreciate, naturally. I had it for about two years before I destroyed it. Not intentionally, of course. But, let’s just say I was the typical teen driver.
But, there were things growing up that I felt I needed and my parents never took care of…braces, for one. Of course, that would require them to take me to the dentist and I can count on one hand the number of times I went to the dentist growing up. When I finally started going on my own, I had five cavities, one of which needed a root canal. I paid for that, and my braces.
My brother, on the other hand, had to have an operation to correct his spine. Basically, his bones were growing faster than his body could keep up and it caused him to have a bit of a hunched back. So, they paid for him to have the surgery. He had two metal rods placed in his back to keep his spine straight. While I think this surgery was far more important than my braces, it wasn’t until after I had moved out of the house that he even got this surgery, and he was completely unappreciative of it. He expected that my parents would pay for the surgery. To understand that is a whole other post I won’t get into here. Suffice it say, my brother has a major self-entitlement complex.
So, here I am at this point in life, working a few jobs to make ends meet, trying to figure out a way to pay for school, and generally just surviving. Meanwhile, my dad pays to put my sister through phlebotomy school and he pays for my brother’s surgery. A short time later, he bought my sister a car. It was used, so it wasn’t anything fancy, but she didn’t have payments. She was also a typical teen driver, though she was worse then me. At least I didn’t end up in the hospital (she’s ok!), which my dad paid for, by the way.
My sister has always been terrible at managing money, so my dad has been helping her out with her bills for some time. But, last year they took a job overseas that was going to make them a little extra money and allow them to do some traveling and things they wouldn’t get to do here stateside. They took the offer and got ready to leave – which meant trying to wean my brother and sister off of their financial support, or so they said.
My dad cosigned for my sister to get a car, the one thing she didn’t have prior to him leaving. He put down all the deposits and six months rent for my brother, and he paid six months worth of utilities, as well. So, both my brother and my sister were pretty much set before they left. Both had jobs, both had income enough to cover everything. My brother’s income was sufficient to cover his bills, but my dad told him to take advantage of the six months and save so that he’d have an emergency fund. Once both of them were set up, my parents were ready to leave.
My brother is 19 and lives in a small town with nothing to do but drink and get into trouble, which is what he does best. So, that money he was supposed to be saving went to things it shouldn’t have and he ended up getting caught up in something that got him fired from his job. No income meant that when his six months were up, he had no way of paying for his bills because he’d blown through his money. He called my parents.
Now, I mentioned at the beginning that my parents are extremely generous people. My dad, especially, has a hard time telling his kids ‘no.’ I’m not excluded from that, but if I borrow money from my parents, it’s with the expectation that I pay it back. That’s only natural and something I would do whether it was required or not. However, neither my brother nor my sister have paid back a dime of what they’ve “borrowed” from my parents. More on this in a minute.
So, my dad covers the remaining time on my brother’s lease and catches him up on his utility bills. Since my brother had no job, he was able to qualify for food stamps, but he kept asking my dad for more money because food stamps wouldn’t let him buy the things he liked to eat and he couldn’t get cigarettes with them either. Did I mention the self-entitlement complex?
Meanwhile, my sister’s husband gets laid off and she’s struggling with her job to make ends meet. She ends up missing a car payment, which my dad makes for her since he cosigned, and she doesn’t think anything of it. She’s not worried about paying him back. If she can, she will, though she did say she would pay him back, but we’ll see. Around this time, my brother’s engine in his car blows up and my dad refuses to pay to have it fixed – my brother’s not working and lives within walking distance (like 5 minute walks) from everything in town. Not used to being told no, my brother accuses my parents of not wanting to help him and so on. It was a long drawn out argument that I’ll spare you the details on. But basically, my brother thinks he’s getting the short end of the stick and that my sister and I have been given everything we’ve ever needed.
Well, now my parents are back in the country. Their overseas trip wasn’t nearly as profitable as my dad had hoped. In part because of some weird tax stuff with his company, but mostly because of the damage control he was covering here. He had hoped to get a significant chunk of money into his retirement accounts while he was over there, but what ended up happening was his emergency fund was depleted. Now, he’s talking about paying to have my brother’s car fixed and letting him move back in with them, while at the same time bemoaning the fact that he has to rebuild his emergency fund.
Here’s the point to this story: sometimes parents need to let kids learn their lessons the hard way!
Looking at the story, it may sound like my parents were a little unfair to me. Maybe in some ways they were, but I can’t really be upset with them for it. I have a much better understanding of money because I learned things the hard way. I had a pretty big chunk of debt – which I paid off myself, without their help. I had to learn to be responsible and control my spending, learn to budget, and just generally learn to handle my own finances. But, my brother and sister have practically had things handed to them their whole lives. In some ways I think this was because of the falling out my parents and I had. They realized they were too strict on me and loosened up a bit, but I think it was probably too much.
My dad is always stressed out lately because of money, but I keep telling him there’s no need to be. He needs to put his foot down and let these two figure it out for themselves. They both have the means to take care of themselves, but where’s their incentive to work for it if mom and dad are just going to take care of it for them? There comes a time when you have to cut the cord and let them do things for themselves.
Maybe I’m missing something because I’m not a parent. My mom always says I’ll understand one day when I have kids. What I don’t say to her is that they’ve done it once before, why is it so difficult now? Again, they’ve never paid my rent for an entire year, nor my utilities. My dad did cosign my car because at the time my credit was crap, but I’ve made every single payment. He’s not paid one dime towards my car. Over the years, any money I’ve borrowed has been paid in full, at the time we agreed upon. When I was in debt up to my eyeballs, my dad agreed to let me move back home with the condition that I pay some rent and a portion of the utilities. Neither of my siblings have had to do that, I can assure you. So, her argument that I’ll understand when I have kids doesn’t make sense to me because, like I said, they’ve done it once, they can do it again.
In this case, I think my parents’ generosity has gone too far. It’s one thing to help your kids out of a tight spot, it’s another to nurture their dependence on you financially. Not only that, but my brother knows how to play them, too. If my dad even so much as considers saying no, my brother works it out where he’s the victim and my dad is just being a jerk. They’re letting my brother walk all over them, which is going to hurt their bottom line. They need to take a stand and start thinking of their own financial picture!
So parents, let’s hear it! Do you think there’s such a thing as too much generosity when it comes to your kids? What advice would you give my parents if you ever met them?
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- 5 Ways to Teach Little Tykes About Finances
- Six Ways your Kids can Help out with the Budget!
I can one-up you on the dentist story. I had braces, and the experience gave me a dislike for dentist. I avoided the dentist for about 5 years.
Not only the cavities, crowns, and a root canal, but also 3 gum surgeries. By the way, gum surgeries and not fun, and you’re on a soft diet for a long time afterward. Take care of your gums. Now, I go to the dentist 3 times a year, instead of the typical 2 visits. The third visit isn’t covered by insurance, but it keeps me from getting into trouble, so it’s worth the cost.
My parents were never in a financial situation to help out any of us kids. When I left home for college at 18, I was 100% on my own. I paid for every single expense by myself. I am of the firm belief that it builds a lot of character.
I am not a parent, but I totally agree with all of your points.
They’re just creating a mess with your siblings, making themselves into financial crutches. Parents have to leave kids alone to make them independent, and that may be why you grew up so strong and independent — they left you alone.
Parents who coddle their children, and aren’t fair in doling out gifts of money, cars, whatever.. are doing a disservice to their kids. They aren’t helping them, and they are misguided into thinking that they are.
My philosophy is that if I were to give $5000 or $10,000 to one of my kids, I’d have to do it for all the rest of them.
Fairness, and justice is the key. If not, siblings get jealous (my best friend’s brothers’ GIRLFRIENDS, got brand new cars for free from her own parents, and my best friend had to buy and drive a used Yaris).
It’s f*cking ridiculous in my mind.
But it’s a silver lining. Your siblings and my siblings who are entitled, will never grow up with the knowledge of independence, security and .. just plain chutzpah (er… confidence I guess is the closest word to that).
To make a weak child stronger, you have to attack their weak points, not build up their strong ones. Like if your kid needs $5k, they have to make him work for it, because nothing is free in life and $5k is not easy money for anyone.
That goes for education too. Letting your kids fight their own battles, and if they are weak in math, to attack their weak points by forcing them to be better at math, is the only way to push a child in the right direction.
Sorry for the long rant.. this is clearly a longstanding belief and sentiment with me :)
I had a friend like that. Her parents were paying her way through college and, curiously, college kept getting longer and longer and longer. She’s still not done, despite being a bright gal and not even having to worry about a job. She makes excuses that turn out to be lies and it’s obvious that she’s sabotaging herself.
The really sad thing, her parents — whose hearts are in the right place, I’m sure — talk about it all like she’s their retirement fund because she’ll take care of them when they are old.
My mom always says “you don’t solve money problems with money”. This usually arises when she tells me of her sister bailing out my cousin AGAIN. My parents have helped me out in certain ways which I genuinely appreciate (i.e., a small loan for university tuition that was forgiven upon graduation), but they also taught us to be proud of being independent adults. I always think it’s sad for both the parents-who are giving up their futures, and the dependent children-who never learn what its like to be responsible and independent.
Another phrase that one of my mentors used to say came to mind as I read your post, “Learning experiences are those you wish you weren’t having at the time”. This seems applicable to your situation-although it sucked to be in a lot of debt, you learned something from getting out on your own. I hope your parents and siblings eventually give themselves the opportunity to have some learning experiences, even if they are painful in the short term!
My parents didn’t have the money to put me through school. Instead of not going I paid for college — and grad school — myself. I also paid my rent, car payments, school books, and anything else I needed by working at least part time through undergrad and full time through grad school. Am I jealous that I have $50k in educational debt while most of my other friends have none because their parents paid for college? HELL YEAH! But I also know the value of money, hard work, and that if I screwed up and failed a class it was coming out of my pocket.
I have always been good with saving money. My sister is too. While we have school loans we really don’t want for much. I feel that we are firmly grounded and don’t have the “needs” that others do because we were never given handouts. We also have exceptional relationships with our parents. I do have to say that while I put myself through college my parents weren’t going to let me fall on my face…if I needed help they were there for me — but I hated asking!
I am proud of myself and for my parents. Of course their limits with their monetary help was due to the fact that they didn’t have money to spare, but it was ok. I had all the emotional support I needed.
I believe as a parent and a child, there comes a point in life where the parent must tread carefully not to slide from parent to enabler. When you have multiple kids it is harder to maintain your financial position. Maybe because we tired as parents or maybe because we move ourselves into a better position in life. I’m not really sure, leaving my best guess as a mixture of both.
I am the middle child. Or if you will, the baby from the first marriage. My brother and I got nothing and still do not. Although, my childhood was a different generation and I don’t think it was odd at all that we never went to doctors or dentists, except where the school mandated it. In fact, lunch was a luxury that seemed to never be around.
I do however have a little sister in her mid-twenties at the moment, who still is recieving a constant flow of money and things. Which is okay, but she verbally states ‘they owe it to her’ and will tell them to buy things. For instance, she recently got a promotion to an area that requires clothing, she can not afford in retail. I’m talking $250 tops – think Nordstrom – you sell what you where. Even though our father is out of work, she pushed and they caved for the clothing.
They, my parents, would be best served to let her on her own – it is time. She needs this too.
Please don’t be too hard on your parents. I assume you are the oldest child, Parents almost always make mistakes in raising the first child, feel guilty about it and then try to overcompensate on the next child.
Another pattern that that I have seen in my wife’s family is that, the only boy in the family is spoiled and pampered way more than the other 3 girls, especially when the boy happens to be the youngest.
You know, I can’t remember my parents ever giving money lessons either. My mom handled all the finances. Just recently we had a conversation about how differently we handle money. (Both responsibly, but she carries a lot of cash and doesn’t worry about a budget and I carry my debit card and budget constantly.) As the eldest child I got the hard time of it too – my sister definitely got things I didn’t, although nowhere near to the extent of your family. I agree that sometimes parents need to put their foot down with their kids, at some point it stops becoming help and starts becoming an hinderance to their learning.
Lol, this sounds exactly like my fiance’s family. Three kids, of which he’s the oldest. The younger two are girls and from the second marriage and were spoiled rotten. I swear they take turns screwing up just so we won’t get bored without some drama.
Wow, thanks for all the comments guys!
@ Kosmo – Yikes! I have no desire to ever experience gum surgery of any kind! It’s bad enough I’ll have to have my wisdom teeth out, I can’t imagine! I’ve always been pretty good about taking care of my teeth, even at a young ago so I hope that continues to serve me well. I definitely agree that you dental woes top mine, though! Sorry you had to experience that!
@ FB – You’re preaching to the choir! LOL. I agree with you all the way. And no need to apologize for your comment, I totally understand. I figured you’d find this post interesting since you just had that experience with your brother. Sibling entitlement, such a fun thing to deal with, no? Hehehe.
@ Meg – So she’s the female version of Van Wilder? Hmm… Hopefully her parents come to the realization that she’s draining their retirement accounts and will never pay that back in terms of taking care of them. Hope they figure it out sooner rather than later!
@ psychsarah – I really like that quote: “learning experiences are those you wish you weren’t having at the time.” It’s so true. I resented my entire family as I struggled to get out of debt and I was probably a bit more distant then I would have been under different circumstances. But, looking back, the experience and understanding I’ve gained is definitely worth my while. Thanks for sharing that!
@ mimi – That’s good that your parents were able to find the balance. They may not have paid for anything, but they didn’t do so equally across the board, which is good. And emotional support is a great thing to have growing up and struggling on your own. But, I bet you’re a stronger person for having things go the way they did.
@ Dedicated – I’m not sure about your first point, but I suspect it’s a mixture of both. I do think parents, for the most part, have a hard time saying no when it comes to helping their kids, so that could be a factor as well. In regards to your sister, I hope your parents learn to stand up and say no to her because if your dad isn’t working, that’s seriously going to hurt them. I bet you anything the company she works for has some sort of payment program where she can buy the clothes and then repay them directly from her paycheck over a certain period of time. Good luck to your parents, though.
@ BM – I’m not upset with my parents, just making an observation. Personally, I’m fine with it. I’m independent and don’t want for anything, so I can’t be angry. I worry that they’re wasting their money, but beyond that, it’s there choice. It does make for interesting discussion because there are lots of people who’ve experienced this to some degree or know someone who’s experienced it. I wouldn’t have thought so.
@ Dawn – It’s funny because we were talking about a similar situation in my sociology class recently. The point was to see how many people do certain things like their parents, and the majority of the class did what their parents did. But, those who’d been married or in a serious relationship were less likely to do the same things as their parents. So, my question to you then is just for fun and curiosity. Have you always been different then your mom in money handling, or did it change once you got married?
@ Slinky – I don’t envy your fiance! But, I understand the two younger ones starting drama. My siblings and the king and queen of drama. If it’s perfectly peaceful they’re miserable and have to start something! Good luck to you, marrying into that and all!
Lol. Luckily they’re all 6 hours away, so we don’t really have to put up with it. They also know better than to try and pull stuff with their older brother.
I thought BM brought up a good point, about the parents making mistakes on the first child and overcompensating on the second or third. I’m pretty sure that’s what happens to just about everyone.
It happened to me as well… my parents tried to be fair to both me and my younger brother; but I think it was really difficult for them at times. My brother has a learning disability which essentially means that he’s really slow at learning things in general. This necessitated a lot of extra care in the early stages from my parents.
I was the opposite of my brother; deemed “bright” and in all the advanced enrichment classes and older than my years I was able to pick things up quickly and didn’t need assistance.
However I still felt left out quite often–not because I needed the help but because I didn’t get the attention or fancy classes/devices, etc. that my brother got. He got a lot of things that I never got, and still does. Even now that my brother is older and works and parties like the rest of the world my dad is talking about buying him a vehicle for him to get to work.
I asked him why he never bought me one when I could have used one, and he didn’t answer me. I guess I’ll see how this pans out.
I think my parents did ok overall, and luckily my brother did not end up with an entitlement attitude. It sucks that he always got more than me growing up, but I guess he needed more than me, too.
Aren’t families wonderful?
Dedicated had it correct, your parents have gone from parents to enablers. I hear what you are saying. My mother has in the past, and probably still does now, repeatedly given money, lots of money to my brother and very little to me. I caught on early that any money that was “given” to me also came with a lot of baggage and strings attached that I sure as heck did not want or need.I stopped asking/expecting or wanting any funds of any kind from my mother, it was too toxic. Ginger’s experience with her brother mimics my own almost to a T, the learning disability, the extra attention. My brother is in his early 40’s and still manipulates money out of my mother. She still allows him to do this and a few years ago my mother and I had a huge falling out over money. My limited funds that she wanted for “her bills”, yet I knew she was going to just turn around and give it to my brother. Just like your siblings, because my brother had been given money easily from an early age and he still feels he’s entitled to it.
My parents used the same excuse with me, “you don’t understand because you’re not a parent.” It would hold more water if they hadn’t forced me into the position of acting as a parent to my brother who was utterly out of control.
As parents, they “couldn’t” put him out, couldn’t keep him in line, couldn’t stand up to him, and couldn’t say no. That allowed him to be one of the most horrible children I know.
As the sole provider at home, I wouldn’t let him return home after his last miserable venture failed, wouldn’t let him in the house, wouldn’t let him use the car or even have a house key for six months. And for the first time in his entire life, he’s finally faced with someone of authority who will not put up with his nonsense. Heart wrenching as that was for me, his *younger sister,* he seems to have gotten the message enough to hold down a job, and has begun contributing towards the household income. Who knows how long it’ll last? Since they’ve enabled him for over ten years, I estimate it will take at least that long before he’s reformed.
The thing that really gets my goat is that I may never be able to stop holding his feet to the fire because I certainly do not intend to support his lazy behind ever again.
What’s worse is I suspect that had our mom not become terribly mentally and physically ill, to the point that she can’t be left alone or she might burn the house down, he still might have resisted. *shaking head* I hope I’ll be able to remain fair and firm with all my children, but I’m honestly so tired of this child, I don’t know if I could really have my own family.
The long-term effects of saying “yes” inappropriately are far more damaging than saying “no, earn it” judiciously.
I was the oldest child growing up and I don’t remember any explicit lessons about money growing up from my mother. But I learned by watching. When my father and mother split up, my father decided to let the old house go into foreclosure. This was under both their names so my mother had no credit to speak of. We had moved to another state and she didn’t have a job either.
I remember the lengths she went to, making sure that we had enough to get by. She would clean houses for money. It was always barely enough. I saw her make every penny count and she never hid the details from me. I remember some of the things she had to do to make ends meet. To this day, I still don’t know if my younger sisters appreciate just how far below the poverty line we were for a while. I don’t think my mother or I ever mentioned that some of the food on the table had been reclaimed from the dumpster behind the grocery store. Or that the bread on the table was several days old and we had gotten it from a homeless outreach.
I learned that every penny mattered and it should never be wasted. I never had an allowance but I was paid to mow the lawn. And I learned to ask the neighbors if they needed their lawns mowed while I was out there. I made extra money that way. One thing I always appreciated was that my mother always respected the money I earned. She never asked me to help contribute it to the house (she could have but she never did). The money I earned was for me.
At the same time, I was never “given” anything. When I finally was old enough to get a license and wanted a car, I had to pay for that with the money I had saved up. I also learned how much insurance cost because I had to pay that too. And my mom insisted that I pay the full six months in advance to make sure I was covered. When I didn’t have money for gas, I took the bus to school and walked to my work. There weren’t any handouts. I love my mom for that. I learned the value of a dollar.
I learned that credit was often more of a burden than it was worth and that paying extra for something was almost always a mistake. One thing I remember her talking about, not to me but to a friend, was that if she couldn’t afford to buy something with cash then she couldn’t afford to pay more for it by buying it with credit. It’s a lesson that she demonstrated daily.
My sisters, they had it a little easier but not by much. They had to work and pay their own way just as I did. The middle child probably got herself into the most trouble with debt but she is working her way out. She currently owes me a few hundred dollars but I told her to focus on the loans with interest first.
NOW… the other side of the story. My aunt had a similar situation. But she did everything she could to make up the fact that their dad left by buying her kids whatever they wanted. It wasn’t a huge shock to anyone that two out of three of them were pregnant before leaving high school. And my aunt provides too much help to this day.
In fact, as an example of the worst part of that. My cousin still lives with her mom. She has THREE children of her own and a husband that has a job. They live there because it is cheaper than anywhere else. You see, my aunt doesn’t make them pay rent. She’s asked for rent but they insist they have no money to pay for it. They stole my aunt’s credit-card and maxed it out to give their kids everything they wanted for Christmas. And then had the nerve to be upset that my aunt wasn’t thrilled to be paying it off. She actually told her mom that she should be HAPPY to be in a position to provide Christmas gifts for her grandchildren.
My aunt ended up paying off that entire balance and never got a penny from her child or son in law. They have trashed the house and continue to buy lots of stuff (like a trampoline) with whatever money they might have. There’s no need to save because my aunt will bail them out of any emergency. They still use her card from time to time (recently Charging a whole Disney vacation to it) and let her pay it off for them. What a treat they are!
The other children aren’t perfect either (cosigning on loans and letting the car be repossessed, for example) but they’re angels compared to the one still living at home.
From time to time, we all just want to scream at my aunt to toss them out on the street. Maybe they’ll have a tough time making ends meet but that’s not her problem. They are in their late 20s… they need to learn to survive. Will it be easy? Probably not… but it will probably be much easier than it was for my mom and she managed. My aunt will never do it though.
In a way, I am happy that my childhood was as hard as it was. I was left with a sense of pride that you earn only by knowing that you can make it on your own. I have a strong work ethic (despite being admittedly lazy) and realize that if I don’t work, then I won’t eat. I learned that tough times are best dealt with by real family bonds and not healed by spending money. And I learned the value of a dollar. Would I have had more “stuff” if I grew up in my aunt’s home? Certainly… but I have a richer life now because I went without.