Comments on: The Cost of Being a Good Friend

By: CharityFund

CharityFund — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 05:31:17 +0000

I had the exact opposite happen for my wedding. My bridal party constantly acted put-out by having to pay for something. I wanted to keep the peace so I just ended up taking care of everything. In the end I paid for a petticoat, hair, makeup, tips, brunch, & thank you gifts for all of them. I would have paid for dresses but my mother saved the day and offered to sew the skirts & corsets last minute. I planned all the parties & paid for everything along the way. I was so disappointed in my friends & felt vain throwing my own parties, so I just never sent the invites or threw the parties.

None of it would have bothered me if they didn’t act put-out, ungrateful, & completely selfish the entire time. I fantasized about not having a bridal party many times. There was absolutely no benefit to it. All it did was empty my pocketbook & make me feel like my closest friends didn’t care about me. After all that, I did expect a gift from them. Even if it was $10 or whatever, just something sentimental, but not even that happened.

By: rachel

rachel — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 23:30:22 +0000

I have been in 2 weddings so far, and I’m also an attendant in one later this year. Since I only have one sibling, I wanted to do something special for my brother, so I put some money toward the open bar at his reception. I made the mistake of not factoring in all the other expenses. I had to pay for my hair, nails, dress, and shoes. Then there was the engagement party, bachelorette party, bridal shower and rehearsal dinner, which I was expected to contribute to. At the last minute, all the bridesmaids decided it would be fun to give a group gift to the bride and groom of a hot air balloon ride for their honeymoon – not cheap, and they didnt even go! So, in total, i ended up buying them 4 separate gifts for the same damn event. Ridiculous.

I felt awkward saying “sorry, I just spent a lot of money on the open bar” to the other attendants, since I was wary of implying that their gift was cheap. Some brides feel that these expenses are an obligation for attendants, as was with this one. My parents and I paid thousands because we were under the impression they needed help with the cost. After they were married, they promptly remodeled their house. I found out that they had almost 30k sitting in the bank the whole time, even though she gave her bridesmaids lotion and knitted hats for gifts (far cheaper than the grooms gifts, by the way). I didnt expect a lavish gift, just something that showed she thought about it. Instead I got a bunch of crap that looks like she went to Walgreens at the last minute.

Its important for the bride and groom to remember why they asked their attendants to share their day to begin with. These people are dear to you, so be considerate of their feelings, responsibilities, and financial status. Getting married doesnt mean your friends and relatives owe you anything. They have their own lives, husbands, children, jobs.

A good bride will remember that you are friends first, and will be willing to work with you if youre having difficulty with the expenses. Before agreeing to be a bridesmaid – especially maid of honor – think of all the potential costs. Youre still being a friend as just a guest. If the bride is a good friend, she will respect a deicison of “I’m happy for you, but no thanks.”

By: Kevin

Kevin — Mon, 25 May 2009 16:38:58 +0000

$3,000.00 for a small wedding and they don’t have much money? My wife and I did all we could ourselves for our wedding which pretty much just left out the rings and the preacher. I would say we spent less than $200.00.
We are just as married, have just a fond recollection of the day, and we didn’t put a financial burden on anyone.

By: Chariot

Chariot — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 16:07:54 +0000

I totally disagree with the tradition of the wedding party paying their own way-dress, shoes, etc. I believe it should be the bride and groom’s responsibility to pay for all those things. That is what I will be doing for my wedding, sorta. I’m letting the wedding party wear what they want. So if they choose to spend money on a new dress they can but it will definitly be something they would wear again.

Unfortunately, I am a commited bridesmaid at 2 different weddings. How do you say no? I hope they don’t expect me to start hemoraging money! But I have an excuse ready–it will be here in 9 months.

By: When Are Gifts Considered Cheap? | Master Your Card

When Are Gifts Considered Cheap? | Master Your Card — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 09:00:33 +0000

[...] dollar amount is the magical mark that makes someone cheap. $10? $20? $30? I recently wrote about how much it costs to be a good friend. A few comments mentioned how cheap my friend’s friends were because they didn’t want [...]

By: Beth

Beth — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:40:49 +0000

When I was a maid of honour, the bride bought me a book about how to be the perfect bridesmaid as a birthday gift. Essentially, you’re not a good bridesmaid if you’re not spending tonnes of money on the bride and her big day, and you aren’t blindly bowing to her every whim.

Unfortunately, the sense of entitlement when people get married is huge. What really sickens me about this whole industry is that women are taught that the only time we get to be in the spotlight or celebrate something is when we get married or have babies. This isn’t the 1950s.

By: Sense

Sense — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 12:35:27 +0000

OMG! that’s some ridiculousness right there! the whole best man thing (WOW he sounds like a trainwreck) aside, it’s totally unfair to expect you to pay for everything yourself. Yes, you should be ‘in charge’ and probably put more time/effort into the whole bach party, but i think the cost should be split evenly between HER BEST FRIENDS. that’s what they are, right? if not, why the heck are they in her wedding??

That is A LOT of money…the first commenter spent $2K as maid of honor? WHOA. who has that kind of money to spare??

i had to take over a maid of honor’s duties once (the real maid of honor suddenly disapproved drinking and wouldn’t do the bach party), and i ended up printing signs on my parent’s computer and sticking them up in the bride’s favorite bar (with permission from the bar owner), and baking a cake and sticking gummy peni on it for fun. we bbq’d at the bride’s friends house, then drove to the decorated bar. so much fun!! and pretty dang cheap. the bride loved it…but then again she’s pretty frugal and down to earth herself so I know she didn’t expect much.

I know you want to make your friend’s night wonderful, but you gotta draw the line somewhere. if it were your wedding, wouldn’t you want her to say something to you if she were feeling like you do right now??

By: Mr. ToughMoneyLove

Mr. ToughMoneyLove — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 15:26:17 +0000

Here’s the thing. Brides-to-be and their mammas have evolved the “wedding” from a sacramental celebration into an entire industry which often includes uncontrolled spending by all concerned. In fact, the actual marriage part of the wedding has become mostly meaningless, with some of them actually being phony events staged just so that a ginormous wedding reception can follow. Often we hear complaints about bridesmaid dresses, lousy gifts, cheap friends, cost-shifting, you name it. Brides are driving the train – only they can stop it.

By: Beth

Beth — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 13:24:32 +0000

@ dogatemyfinances — You’re totally right! I cringed and got angry all over again every time I saw my bridesmaid’s dress. It was a nice enough dress, but the colour was horrendous on me and the style didn’t look good on her other bridesmaids. She didn’t care about our feelings — just how we would make her look. (Why can’t some people understand that beautiful bridesmaids are a compliment to the bride?)

I hated that dress until the lady at the local bridal shop told me about a charity that collects formal dresses for under-privileged or disabled teens so they can go to their prom or graduations. (It promotes a sense of belonging, and lets the girls participate in normal rights-of-passage).

My advice to anyone else who doesn’t like their dress — Send it out into the world to do some good :) It feels great.

(Karen, I’m glad I came across your comment on Bargaineering! I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts).

By: Ginger

Ginger — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 17:55:13 +0000

Ugh, I can totally relate. This sounds spot on to what I had to go through with my best friend… except that I spent even MORE and wasn’t even her maid of honour.

All her “friends” bailed at the last moment, too. Me and the other gal (who at least was the maid of honour) had to pick up the costs for everything. In the end, all of her ridiculous wedding shenanigans cost me over $1500. And I really didn’t get anything out of it either except for heat stroke and a cheap pair of earrings.

I feel your pain, truly I do. You can check out my posts on my drama on my blog under the wedding tag.

Stay strong, my friend!