Imagined Conversation Between “The Big Three”
This is what I imagine took place between the CEOs of GM, Ford, and Chrysler when they all decided it would be a good idea to work for $1 in 2009.
Warning: Probably not for the easily offended.
Rick Wagoner, Alan Mulally, and Bob Nardelli – the CEOs of GM, Ford, and Chrysler respectively – all plop down on Wagoner’s lavish furniture in his designer decorated office back in Detroit.
Wagoner: I can’t believe Congress is going to make us “come up with a plan” just to get the money. I mean, it’s not like we’ve done anything wrong here.
The other two nod in agreement as Mulally jumps up to pour himself a drink from the bar.
Mulally: Well, I can tell you right now, I’m not cutting my salary to get this deal. We’re good as gold. There’s no f%&*ing way the government will let us fall, boys.
Wagoner: Maybe, but we’ve still got to salvage a plan for show. You know how the public is, always whining about someone making more money than them.
Nardelli: We could cut bonuses for lower management and void all merit-based raises in 2009.
Mulally: (sloshing his drink) Hell, yes!
Wagoner: That could work -
Mulally: Hold it! I’m not going to have to give up my summer home, am I?
Wagoner & Nardelli: No! Definitely not!
He nods, appeased for the moment.
Wagoner: I suppose we’ll have to begin production on those electric cars, too. You know they’ll want to hear about that.
Nardelli: Yes, but Exxon won’t like it. We’ve been taking kickbacks on gas prices for years.
Mulally: So we grease the wheels with the next big company that fuels cars, big deal. What I want to know is why we’re still paying salaries for those idiots we laid off. I mean, I didn’t even know we were doing that.
Wagoner: We’re not paying all of their previous salaries, just a portion. And remember we talked about this. It looked good to the press and the average American sitting at home.
Nardelli: Truthfully, I thought it would help us sell more cars than it did. It’s a waste of our resources so let’s add it to the list of expenses to cut. Let them stand in the unemployment line.
Nardelli scribbles some notes on a cocktail napkin in front of him.
Mulally: Well, I suppose we can sell a couple of the jets. I think you two should sell yours. I mean, mine is more comfortable by far, don’t you think?
Wagoner and Nardelli look at him with disgust.
Nardelli: And were you planning on selling anything to get this deal done, or are you just going to be a selfish a$$?
Wagoner: Let’s not start. We’re not the enemies here. It’s a matter of milking the proverbial tit, so let’s just do what needs to be done. We’ll sell the jets if you agree to a pay cut, Mulally.
Mulally spews his drink down the front of his Armani suit.
Mulally: I think I’m fine where I am. I already agreed to no Christmas bonus. Do you know how hard it is to survive on the $22 million base salary? I mean, what am I supposed to give my wife for Christmas? Diamonds? I was planning on buying that little island called Jamaica for her and now you really expect me to give up my salary, too? No way, I won’t do it!
Wagoner: What if we tell Congress we’ll work for $1 in 2009?
Mulally: WHAT?!
Nardelli: Excuse me?
Wagoner: Think about it. It gets us the deal from Congress and sets us up as heroes in the public eye. CEOs willing to work for $1…it’s never been done.
Nardelli: Actually -
Wagoner: Oh shut up, Nardelli! If we don’t get this deal done our companies will have us out faster than you can say electric car, and the severance package won’t even scratch the surface of what we’re making right now.
Mulally: You know, I’ve never understood why they don’t give CEOs more money in their severance packages. I mean, they have to survive somehow, right?
Wagoner: Whatever. Look, the idea is simple. We TELL everyone we’ll be working for $1 in 2009. But, in reality we get with the accountants and find out how we can get paid under the table. I’m thinking some sweet kickback deals from vendors and the manufacturers could prove to be pretty lucrative. Plus, the company still has to match our 401(k)s.
Nardelli: Hmm. This could work, provided the accountants can find a way to make us money under the table. It’s pretty big gamble to run with this before talking to them.
Mulally: Well I don’t like it!
Wagoner: No one asked you! Either you’re with us or you’ll be joining the idiots you laid off in the unemployment line!
Spittle flew from Mulally’s mouth as he tried to think of something to say. Nothing came to mind so he closed his mouth.
Nardelli: Ok, so we’ll tell Congress we plan to cut expenses by limiting employee benefits, including merit raises; we’ll tell them we’re looking more seriously into electric cars, or at the very least starting production on the hybrids; and we’ll unveil the plan to work for $1 in 2009 as the companies rebuild and start making a profit again. Sound about right?
Wagoner: Sounds good to me. They can’t complain with that, I mean, look at what we’re sacrificing….Stop pouting Mulally. You have plenty of money to last you through the year making a little less than your $22 million, and besides, it’s only for a year. Do you want the deal with Congress or not?
Mulally: Fine! But I don’t have to like it! And it’s only for 2009, dammit!
Nardelli: Then we’re all agreed. I suggest we get someone to type up these plans tonight since we’ve got to fly back to Washington tomorrow. By the way, should we jetpool this time? I think the Senator was quite put out that we hadn’t done that the last time.
Wagoner: Yeah, I noticed that. Can’t imagine what was stuck in his craw. But, yes, I think it might be best if we ride together. Besides, it gives us a chance to rehearse our speeches.
Mulally: If we’re done gentleman, let’s head to the country club for a round of golf.
The others agree and they all leave the office, the cocktail napkin laying on the table. Someone will be typing that up tomorrow morning before they leave for Washington. Probably someone headed to the unemployment line.
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