Comments on: Gifts vs. Charity: The Fine Line

By: understated

understated — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 22:21:26 +0000

Different Take. Scenario: I have been happily married over 10 years – and am under a tight prenuptial but with the understanding that it doesn’t matter so long as we are happily married – it is just a protection measure for my husband – I am fine with that, again, I/we are truly happily married. Changes coming. Husband doing a deal that will likely make us rich. He wants to give some money to his only brother so he is not left out – the brother is well off now, but my husband wants to include him in making him wealthier than he already is. The brother has never been warm/close with anyone but his brother – my husband. Issue: I am wanting to be present when money is given because it is we, as a couple deciding to do this. Husband says no because his (perhaps misogynistic/womanizing) brother would view it as charity if I am present, and that he wants to give it in the sense of his brother earning it through years of being there for each other. He says my being there will not change the brother’s general old-fashioned attitude about women.

I want recognition as being an important family member, to be seen as a unified team, and that words and actions are important because they solidify public perceptions. I think both are true (earned for being there as a loyal brother, and my part as a knowledgeable wife who has a say in important maters and wanting to support family (despite him not being friendly). In other words, I think my not being in on the giving perpetuates the lone brother to brother connection – excluding me from contributing on important matters.

Maybe there is some older, deeper familial issue of not wanting to share credit with his recipient brother who is 3 years older. I don’t know. Why should my husband be deferential to an unproven personality defect of his older brother? Is the brother’s pride? worth more than validation of our unified decisions / partnership in marriage?

So gift or charity? What are the real considerations when giving significant, superfluous monetary gifts within a family? Though I did not go out and earn this money, I am indeed part of discussion planning about how to employ this money. Am I wanting too much?

By: Slinky

Slinky — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 22:29:02 +0000

Divorce is costly no matter what the situation is. My fiancee had a relatively amicable divorce and he ended up borrowing money from his parents. All of a sudden he needed a new apartment, with security deposit and first month’s rent. He had a tv and tv stand, tiny computer desk and computer, chair, dvd rack, and some pots and pans. 5 years of marriage and that’s what he was left with. His parents stepped in and gave him an old microwave, dishes, silverware, and two old chairs that I’m pretty sure they drove 6 hours to bring him. The loan was for some of the security deposit and a walmart special futon I believe. I’m sure they would have given him the money, but he payed them back within the year.

By: Dawn

Dawn — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 15:47:02 +0000

Whew – do I understand where she is coming from! I have been struggling with finances from my divorce as well. My mother and sister have both offered money, but I don’t want to take it, so I have put together a long list of other things I can do to raise money – but, if things hit rock bottom, I will ask. It is better that than having credit problems.

By: Fabulously Broke

Fabulously Broke — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 16:35:17 +0000

This is a really great post because it makes you think.

Personally, I would’ve taken the money. It’s admirable to struggle, but not to accumulate problems when your parents are in such good positions to help you out. And not like she was begging for it! THEY OFFERED! They’re parents. That’s what they do.

*sigh* Hope things turned out okay. What a slob her ex must’ve been.