Gifts vs. Charity: The Fine Line
People are funny about money. Most people, myself included, tend to view an offer of money as charity. Our independent natures rebel at the idea that we need help from anyone, but especially from friends and family members. It occurs to me that, even with monetary gifts, many people truly have a hard time accepting the money. They would rather struggle then ask for help.
I had a member come in recently that was at her wits end and needed a loan. It wasn’t much she was asking for, something like $1500, but she was feeling overwhelmed which made the situation very urgent to her. Her story went a little something like this.
She was married for 43 years. Two days after her birthday and a week before her 44th wedding anniversary her husband comes home and says that he’s not happy, hasn’t been for some time, and he wants out. And, oh by the way, he’s got a girlfriend he’s been seeing for several years and they want to get married. He wants a quick divorce.
Well, not only was this guy a total douche bag, so was his lawyer. Apparently, they claimed that he was always made to feel second to her job and he was trapped in a loveless relationship. He only stayed because of the kids, but that she had denied him his basic marital rights for the majority of their marriage. They had a male judge and – according to the member – he was part of the good old boys club. She got stuck paying this guy alimony until the wedding is final. Suddenly, the wedding plans were put on hold for several months. Go figure.
Anyway, so she’s paying the mortgage, which also has a home equity in second lien, and finds out she has congestive heart failure. This causes some other medical problems, and the stress isn’t helping any, so she was out of work for a few weeks while in the hospital dealing with all of that. She lost a ton of weight and had to buy new clothes because she’s a manager at work, so she had an appearance to keep up. She went through her savings in no time and being out of work for three weeks didn’t help.
She had family members that offered monetary gifts to help her get on her feet. Her parents are fairly wealthy and her dad is constantly telling her that money isn’t important, he can’t take it with him when he dies and she’s going to get it anyway. She might as well take it when she needs it. That’s his theory. But, she’s a very independent woman and doesn’t think she should be accepting monetary help from her parents at her age. She clearly views it as charity as opposed to her parents’ view that it’s a gift.
In this case, I would have accepted the money. It was a nice gesture. It was very much needed. And it would have saved a hit on her credit. As it happens, I was able to work the deal to help her out, though I didn’t feel it was necessary. I told her my opinion on the matter, but she still felt a loan was in order. So we did the loan.
I understood where she was coming from though. To me, a gift usually calls for a special occasion like Christmas or a birthday. It’s not usually a random act of kindness, not when you’re talking about money anyway. However, I think in those some circumstances, I would have been inclined to accept the gift rather than apply for a loan.
So where do you draw the line between gifts and charity? Are you like my client who absolutely views gifts of money as charity, or do you fall somewhere in between and appreciate the gift when it’s given?
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This is a really great post because it makes you think.
Personally, I would’ve taken the money. It’s admirable to struggle, but not to accumulate problems when your parents are in such good positions to help you out. And not like she was begging for it! THEY OFFERED! They’re parents. That’s what they do.
*sigh* Hope things turned out okay. What a slob her ex must’ve been.
Whew – do I understand where she is coming from! I have been struggling with finances from my divorce as well. My mother and sister have both offered money, but I don’t want to take it, so I have put together a long list of other things I can do to raise money – but, if things hit rock bottom, I will ask. It is better that than having credit problems.
Divorce is costly no matter what the situation is. My fiancee had a relatively amicable divorce and he ended up borrowing money from his parents. All of a sudden he needed a new apartment, with security deposit and first month’s rent. He had a tv and tv stand, tiny computer desk and computer, chair, dvd rack, and some pots and pans. 5 years of marriage and that’s what he was left with. His parents stepped in and gave him an old microwave, dishes, silverware, and two old chairs that I’m pretty sure they drove 6 hours to bring him. The loan was for some of the security deposit and a walmart special futon I believe. I’m sure they would have given him the money, but he payed them back within the year.
Different Take. Scenario: I have been happily married over 10 years – and am under a tight prenuptial but with the understanding that it doesn’t matter so long as we are happily married – it is just a protection measure for my husband – I am fine with that, again, I/we are truly happily married. Changes coming. Husband doing a deal that will likely make us rich. He wants to give some money to his only brother so he is not left out – the brother is well off now, but my husband wants to include him in making him wealthier than he already is. The brother has never been warm/close with anyone but his brother – my husband. Issue: I am wanting to be present when money is given because it is we, as a couple deciding to do this. Husband says no because his (perhaps misogynistic/womanizing) brother would view it as charity if I am present, and that he wants to give it in the sense of his brother earning it through years of being there for each other. He says my being there will not change the brother’s general old-fashioned attitude about women.
I want recognition as being an important family member, to be seen as a unified team, and that words and actions are important because they solidify public perceptions. I think both are true (earned for being there as a loyal brother, and my part as a knowledgeable wife who has a say in important maters and wanting to support family (despite him not being friendly). In other words, I think my not being in on the giving perpetuates the lone brother to brother connection – excluding me from contributing on important matters.
Maybe there is some older, deeper familial issue of not wanting to share credit with his recipient brother who is 3 years older. I don’t know. Why should my husband be deferential to an unproven personality defect of his older brother? Is the brother’s pride? worth more than validation of our unified decisions / partnership in marriage?
So gift or charity? What are the real considerations when giving significant, superfluous monetary gifts within a family? Though I did not go out and earn this money, I am indeed part of discussion planning about how to employ this money. Am I wanting too much?