It’s hard to know just who you should cheer for in this week’s Credit Card showdown.

In the left corner, we have General Fritz. Herr Fritz served in the German Infantry in World War II and was unsuccessfully tried for war crimes in the late 40’s. His favorite food is the German delicacy Labskaus (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Labskaus), indicating that he is mentally unsound and thus may be unfit for trial.

In the right corner we have one of my Credit Cards, Gary. Gary has much to answer for including leaving me with a several thousand dollar debt, an ongoing interest rate of %21.99 and roughly $370 in assorted fees. He is also a known liar and very cunning - he often manipulated me into certain ‘unwholesome’ activities (like purchasing things I didn’t need and/or couldn’t afford) under false pretences. Gary promised me the world and delivered nothing but pain, sorrow and regret.

Case for execution (based on the level of suffering relative to the seriousness of the offense):

Time served

General Fritz – None officially, but is being pursued by the Mossad for suspected criminal activities during WW2

Gary – No charges pending, and thus not currently being pursued by any intelligence agencies

Conclusion: There’s no doubt the general has the best of it on this one. While he’s had to live his life on the run, Gary lived in a cushy little nook in my wallet for virtually his whole life, and he clearly needs a taste of his own medicine.

Image

General Fritz – Usually referred to as ‘The Butcher of Berlin’

Gary – Usually referred to as ‘My Credit Card’

Conclusion: Once again, the evidence indicates Gary is more deserving of execution. Barring a few people who assume Fritz is a purveyor of meat goods, he has a far more serious image problem than Gary. Do you know how hard it is to get a date with a nickname like ‘The Butcher of Berlin’?

History

General Frtiz – Forced to pose as an Argentinean cabaret dancer for over half a century to elude his captors

Gary – Continues to grow richer and more powerful every year and has never had to suffer for his crimes

Conclusion: Do you even need to ask?

Severity of crimes

General Frtiz –Perpetrated crimes against humanity over 60 years ago

Gary – Perpetrating crimes against humanity today

Conclusion: Gary takes a clean sweep. While the general has ‘allegedly’ committed some crimes in the past, Gary (and those like him) is doing harm every day.

Verdict: Both guilty. Even though the evidence presented indicates Gary is far more deserving of execution, we just plain don’t like the General. Sound mind or otherwise, no one who actually enjoys the taste of Labskaus deserves to live.

Come back for the execution tomorrow!